Sometimes you just have to laugh at things
Especially when things are small as mole hills!!!
The things don't matter
but God is bigger than anything
He will get you through
He is one that you should be focused on
He will carry you
Love you
and listen to you
because he loves you soo much
he won't let go,
but are willing to hold on
to him and laugh at things
that don't matter!

When it Rains

It pours....
Life throws curve balls all the time
Especially when life is starting to become Stable
God has different plans
He can throw many challenges at you
Sometimes they may come all at once
but with Him you can do anything
He is testing you
to see how strong is your faith
HE WILL GET YOU THROUGH!!!
Just lean and trust him
for peace and understanding
So stand up in the pouring rain
and press on and follow Him

Quotes

I have some quotes that I have found that speaks to me in different ways...

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays. ~Søren Kierkegaard
We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties. ~Oswald Chambers
Prayer is when you talk to God; meditation is when you listen to God. ~Author Unknown The People's Almanac-->
When you pray, rather let your heart be without words than your words without heart. ~John Bunyan
God tells us to burden him with whatever burdens us. ~Author Unknown
There are times when silence has the loudest voice. ~Leroy Brownlow
We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence.... We need silence to be able to touch souls. ~Mother Teresa
People see God every day, they just don't recognize him. ~Pearl Bailey
Let God's promises shine on your problems. ~Corrie Ten Boom
I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light. ~Mary Gardiner Brainard

Underestimation

You thought you could keep me down
but look I am standing
with more strength to move on

Easy

It was easy falling,
now I got to get the strength
to Stand up again

3:15 am

Yup this is what happens when your mind is not shutting down from the things that are on your mind. It really has been awhile since I have written on this blog. So I am hoping that it will help clear my mind.
So I went to Taylor's First Baptist with the RAs. The college/singles leader spoke tonight at the evening service. We talked about who gets the glory, what is the idol, and what legacy you will leave behind. This is all from Judges 8:22-35. It talks about how Gideon wanting to give glory to God, but he ended up giving the glory to himself. He had an idol that kept him from the path of God. Then we discussed of what type of legacy Gideon left behind.
This really got me thinking. What legacy do I want to leave behind. I want to do what God wants me to do. He has finally given me peace of what degree I should go in and I feel stupid that it took me this long to figure it out. I love kids and love psychology. I am going to change my major to inter dis psychology/education. This way I can have it either way. I want this so bad and I do not have a clue what I am going to do with this major, but whatever I do I want to give glory to God. There are so many options with it. I want to give glory to HIM and show a legacy for what I do. Honestly answer this question to yourself, what kind of legacy do you want to leave
behind? :)
OK now I am able to get a nap in before I have to be up early in the morning :)

Life is Short

Why does it take death to realize that life is short? We have to experience such pain and heartache. It hurts especially when you know the person/people that died. Taking the lives hurt the most because we never had the time to say goodbye. Goodbye, make wrongs to right, ask forgiveness or give the forgiving. That pain may or may not be healed. So don't forget to love, forgive, and enjoy one another. Because you will never know when the last time you will see the person. Life is way to short, so say what you need to say, and love one another.

Freedom is Beautiful

She went to the one place that she could be free. The small creek in the woods. She always went there as a kid to be who she wanted to be. As she got older she used it as a get away and to be free. Free from the pressures of the world, having to growing up, and just get away from the family.
Well today she went to the place that makes her free because of you. You broke her heart in pieces. She went there to cry and try to let her heart heal from the brokeness she feels. As the tears fall and watch the tears hit the water. She watched the ripples and realized that as the ripples fade away, the pain will too. She was finally free from the fact that she was hurt. She will know the pain for awhile, but she knows it will fade...She also knows that you will fade too.

I don't know you

I don't know who you are
but I know what you did

because I had to pick up the pieces
of the heart that you broke

I can't fix the broken pieces
because there is nothing i can do

No words, no advice,
no hugs, no comfort works

I have never seen so much pain,
tears, tissues, and brokeness

I don't know you
but I know what you did

Here I am at this point of my life

ok the last blog was about the look....yes it broke my heart all over again...but surprising the pain did not take long to get over.... I am glad of this.

People ya want to know something....
I AM NOT HANDICAPPED :)

I am just different....made in God's image and I have made it this far in God's plan in my life.. I was upset that I was seen for my "handicap." God used it to show me how far I have come and to trust that He is going to use my difference to make a difference in the world. My mindset was I knew that I had this disability by what I had to experiences that I faced. I knew that God had a plan in it. But that mindset was I have a handicap, but that mindset has changed. I am normal(whatever that may be), but just different. Yes I may walk differently, clumsy most of the time, one arm ability most of the time, but that makes me special and different. God has given me this life to live and I am going to live the best I can be with his help of course.
Here is a challenge.....Accept the differences of others, you may never know how it will change your life. and in turn will make you different also.

So here I am in this point of life...taking 21 years to realize this, but I AM DIFFERENT...and that mindset will not be changed. My heart is healed from this pain forever, but does not mean it won't hurt when judgemental looks come, laughs, or stares are given. It just means that I know that the hurt won't turn into pain...

Wow whoever reads this, I am sorry it is a book, but you made it through..

Thanks Christina...for the book...she is a great inspiration.

The End

Alright junior year has come and gone. Where did it go? No clue...Enjoyed the ride and having no regrets. Now it is time to say goodbye to the class of 09. I probably will cry at the graduation. I am going to miss them very much. I am excited that they are going to start their lives what they have studied for soo long....
3.0 for the semester....yay me! I am totally excited...This gives me hope that I will make it through the next year and a half in the psychology program... Still praying hard and keepin the faith...

Summer plans are not set in stone, but random trip to columbia for a weekend sounds pretty nice, when school and work will get in the way of fun. or just somewhere random would be nice.. just a weekend away from it all....yay!!!!!!!!!

That is all for now.. Peace

Idiot

I am an Idiot....enough said!!!!!!

Past relived again

Yesterday I received a look that I have not received in years. I received here at NGU. I would have never thought I would have seen this look ever again. Again I was looked at my outer apperance than my smile/heart. Honestly I was cut deep and hurt. I thought I would never I have to feel those feelings again. When I thought my heart was healed, which it was, but it was reopened by that look.
To that person(s)-It is not my fault that I have cerebral palsy. It is not my fault that my balance is off and I trip over my feet all the time. It is not my fault and it is the cause of sin. I hope that you get convicted of this. Actually I am glad that I have cerebral palsy because that I know who I am and what a blessing it is. Yes it took a little bit of pushing and encouragement to get where I am today. I still need that encouragement, so give me a smile and not the look that I am disgusting or I look stupid. Honestly I think you actually looked stupid giving the look. I am just normal as you. So don't judge a book by the cover. Yet the pain is still there I am not going to let it get me down. Now I have said this you have my forgiveness.

To those that have been there for me with encouragement THANK YOU!!!! :-)

The Look

You looked at me
differently today

I have never seen
this look before

It cut like glass
It cut real deep

I feel the pain
I am broken

Tears fall
as the look continues

but yet
I can't look away

Never be the same

I am in the distance
watching you

Your weakness
has broken through

As a tear rolls down
your cheek

You have brought the distance
and things will never the same

Thoughts

Thoughts are evil
They keep you in a bind
You want to run
but they follow
Oh God stop this
take this evil away

I need a getaway car!!! Seriously I can't take this anymore. I am completely shattered and God is the only to see it. I am glad that I can play a role that I am such a happy person... I want someone to notice, but what is the point, when no one takes time to listen. Oh well!!! I am glad that I have God to listen to me. I don't know if I should tell someone that I am not ok. I am just shattered. My heart is just bleeding and broken. The sad thing it is all not for me. Healing and understanding is something I am waiting on

Goodness what a day hehe!!! Seeing friends is soo much fun and just chillin is amazing....I am running circles in my head though about what is going on. I am not sure what to make of it all. I am bit worried about it all, but it will be ok. God is under control. He will take care of it all. That does not stop my human nature to think about it. Oh well!! I am not going to let it stop me from having fun and hopefully I can hide it well. If not, oh well!!! No reason to verbalize it, no one stops to listen anyway. oh goodness i better get going and write this stupid paper that I have to turn in tomorrow. Peace

You are not here
You just left

No words
Just silence

Yet I can still
feel your heart beat

You know why
because our hearts has the same rhythm

Friendship

My Friendships have been on my mind. Not to scare anyone I am not doubting any of my friendships. I am very happy to have my friends in my life. I am just looking at what my friends have brought and mean to my life. They have brought so much meaning to it, I am not the same person because of them. Honestly I do not know what they see in me. I am this crazy kid with crazy ways, but they love me. The reason I am friends with each of them is the fact of their hearts. I see behind the superifical stuff and go straight for the heart. I see some amazing beautiful people. If yall ever wanted to know why, that is my reasoning. If any of yall read this, i am glad and not oh well!!! Friendships are meaning to life and more than words can describe.

Time drawing near

That time is where the semester is almost over, and I look back and see where did the time go. I just started what feels like yesterday. I yearn for the summer, but I don't want this to end. I am finally have an idea on what I want to do with my life. God has taught me so much and he is not done. I am looking forward to what he is going to teach.. :)
Ok I have to be honest, I do not want my friends that are graduating to graduate. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they are ready to persue their lives, but I don't want to watch them leave and I probably won't see for awhile. They were what made meaning to NGU for me. They will never know how much I will miss them.
Well the time is drawing to the end, but I will take it day by day, and look forward to the future.

Live for you

I watch not far away
I see the pain in your eyes

I see the hurt behind
that fake smile

I want to fix
the heartache
that you have

You are keeping me out
you have lost all sense
of what is life's worth

You think that there is nothing
nothing to live for

but baby there is
live for you

Don't live for anyone else
They will hurt you

By being human
Live for you

because once you start living
for you

The sense of worth of life
will be all as it should be

Another vent

Ok I saw my teacher today and we talked about it and I think I am going to withdraw from the course and catch up next semester and hopefully still graduate a semester late...I do pray this in many many ways. I don't feel as a failure anymore, but still feel like a quitter. I guess that is something I will have to deal with. I am exhausted for no reason today, but the pain in the body is still there and the headache has not been all day. I am kinda scared about all this pain tho...it is all up and down my back and on my sides and arms or what not...I guess I should be grateful that it is not all the time, just shooting pains. It still hurts when it does it though. I think all my muscles are inflamed or something because of the stress that my body goes through during school. blah....ok I am done venting...maybe a poem will be later...don't know

Venting is what I do best

ok soo no poems or anything today... I am just here to vent....I have had these stupid headaches everyday now and they seem that they will never go away. The only time i have any relief is probably in my sleep. I hope nothing seriously wrong... I am going to try holding off on going to the doctor until after may 7. I don't want to worry about it, but a headache is a headache and I am tried of them. Also I am having these random shooting pains in all of my body. It feels like my muscles are going against me. Idk! All I know is that God is in control and things will be ok, even though maybe there is something wrong with me. Anyway another thing is that I just got told that I might have to drop my pssrw class. I really do not want to do that. I mean I put sweat and tears in that class, and still can't get the grades. Maybe it is for the best. Idk.. Talking to the teacher tomorrow. I will not let this class get the best of me, I am sticking to psychology and i am enjoying it much.. So there PSSRW...you will not take me down. I think that is all about for now...Yep I feel better, since I can't really verbalize this to anyone. Listening hmmm...Anyway that is a different story....
Peace Out

In my Dreams

In my dreams...
I see you...

Being dragged away
Beating you until

You can't stand up
Yet you do not say a word

I watch you
with tears in my eyes

Screaming it is not fair
He has done nothing wrong

My words are drowned out
by the crowd

They make you carry that burden
up to the top of the hill

I can still hear the noise
that hit against your skin

Then you speak
Asking forgiveness

Not for you
but for me

In my dreams
I see that over and over again

I wake up
and Thank you

for dying
so that I could LIVE

Life Must Go On

I am standing on the sidelines
Watching the world go by
I feel invisible
As my heart breaks
The darkness is here
The light is getting dimmer
I want to see this light again
I am reaching out
And it seems to get further away
I can’t do it by myself
I cry out to God
I need help Lord
I can’t see the light anymore
Darkness has wrapped around me
Please pull me out of the darkness
I want my life to go on
I want to be healed
And I want to Go for you
I don’t want to be on the sidelines
I want to move with the world
God I see the light…
Now my life can move on

The Whisper of God

I am Broken Hearted
I have Broken Tears
I have a Broken Spirit
I have a Broken Soul
I am crumbling
As the pain takes over
It is too much pain to bear
I hear a whisper….
Be Still
Know that I am God
I know your pain
I know what it means to be broken
Trust me
I will carry you
Have faith
And I get you through
I am the almighty Healer
I will heal your wounds
Trust and have faith in me
You will be healed my child

Can't Stop You

I am scared…
Scared of what you have to tell
But I can’t stop you
From telling me
I don’t want to hear it
I am not listening
Don’t tell me I have to listen
I won’t do it
Stop talking
I am frighten
I have never felt like this before
I don’t want to feel this way
Fear of what might happen
Fear of what I might say
Don’t let me live in this fear
Stop speaking
I am scared
Scared of what you have to tell
But I still can’t stop you
From telling me

Your hand slipped from mine
and you walked away

You did not even look back
As the tear rolled down my face

You were the only one that
could stop the tears and make me smile

I knew everything would be ok
because you were by my side

Now the tears will flow
as I am on my own

Maybe there will be one
that will stop these tears

that you caused
and heal my broken heart

So it is Wednesday, and I get to go home for Easter. I am excited because last year I was not with my family for Easter for the first time. My family was upset. It is ok though I am able to be home this time. I have to treasure every time I go home. I do not think my grandparents are not going to be here on the earth too much longer(I am hoping that they live at least a few more years). Today I had my RA interview, which I knew that I already had in the basket anyway. They love me and they were not going to let me go. Then I studied, wrote a little on the paper, laughed a lot with Lyn and Lesa, prob and stats study session, and then dinner. It has been a GOOD day. I have not had one of those in a long time. Maybe the excitement has made it that way. I am thankful God made a good day. He is always makes the day good no matter what. I am learning all over again, to trust in him completely because HE IS THE LORD and I need him for everything and I should not worry. This week has been an eye opener, I have been humbled and loved by Him. That makes me smile. Wow I am writing a flippin paragraph. I do not care. As in the last post, My heart has been bleeding for others. I just found out that my cousin and his wife are having a splitting spell. I am bleeding more for her than him. I do not know why, maybe it is she needs it the most. I am scared their kids are thinking. I pray that they are not hearing this crazy mess and I hope that they don't blame themselves for the parents problems. I just want to go get them and bring them here. My friend(not mentioning any name) I am also bleeding for, she is just hurting and in pain of what she is going through. There is so much more that I am bleeding for and there is nothing I can do, but PRAY. That is what I am going to do. Wow ok this is a book, I am going to stop now and rest a little while.
Peace Out

Heartache

My heart is bleeding...
Not for me
For those that are hurting
I hate watching the pain
that speaks through your eyes
I can see past that smile
I can see past the words
I am Good...
My heart bleeds for you
I am wanting to fix it
I know I can't do it
But God can
So I will take my heart
to him for you
But you must take your heart
to him as well
He can stop the bleeding
for both of us

My thoughts won't stop

My mind won't stop....My thoughts are scaring me... I don't know why....
My mind is racing and I am getting more scared as they race..
They are bringing up the past
They are bring up the old memories
The hurt, the pain, the anger
Why does the Devil have a hold on my thoughts
God beat Him to the ground
I don't want to have these thoughts
Oh God Please

Along time...no write

It has been awhile since I have written on this thing....I can't believe that I have not done this..It usually makes me feel better.
It has been kinda a long semester....
To sum it all up in a couple sentences....Seizure, doctor visits, loss of two friends, school and stuff that is happening at home. ok I summed it up in one sentence.

My heart is really torn again
I feel like I am being ripped in two
Maybe more than two
I am supposed to be here at NGU
yet my heart aches to be home
I am trusting in the Lord
yet my human nature gets in the way
My heart is healing from the deaths
Physically I am still healing
Yet I still have a smile on my face
when I am crying inside
I am hurting and I hide it well
Trusting in the Lord for healing
That I can find peace and understanding
That is all I need...


Oh yeah my heart has been pasted on blog spot...No one actually reads this...I do not think...If they do I pray they see things through my eyes...I am tired of trying to share my emotions with the world when they do not care... I am me people, get used to it and start caring for others not just me.. An ear goes a long way..